HEY !

I'm in history class right now, I'm so bored. Um. Google says I might have OCD, and I actually really see it. I'm not one to usually self diagnose, so I'm gonna go talk to someone professional about this. Like really soon. That's what I hope! Umm.. my friend said "TWINNINGGGG" to my tweet about this, don't meam to put you on blast but my tweet was about me not you! Sorry dude

Vent Post . Trigger Warning : Mentions of Grooming and Sexual Themes : Each time Christmas Eve rolls around there's always that thought in the back of my head that reflects on every Christmas that's happened since 2020. Just two years ago I was so much happier, I was blissfully unaware what I was going through but I was still happy while it happened. I miss it, I was so young and I barely had a care in the world, all I ever knew was to be immature and obnoxious to my peers and who I surronded myself with. They didn't know what they we're doing to me, I think they were just kids like me going through the same things. Like that one time my friend called me to ask me to watch Porn Hub with him when I was 12, I think he didn't know the wrong he was doing. I've lost touch with a lot of the people I knew who did similar things with one another ever since my old account was hacked, and I'm really happy that's the case since I'm trying to teach myself not to dwell on the past anymore, and leave it all behind. I like looking back at the past though, I know how some things I went through weren't very good for me, but the more I grow detached with my surrondings the more I begin to miss it all. I will always miss how close I was to my friends, I will never be close like that to people again. I want to, I kind of forgot how to though. I'm starting to realize that even though I was being groomed by my ex while I was so young, the more I can't bare the thought of never finding someone who I will be that close to like I was with him again, I don't know how to word it properly. Our "love" was problematic, I don't want to return to the relationship because what I was going through was growing loveless halfway. But I don't want to go through this alone, he was with me the entire time and in some aspects our whole situation was my fault. My friends now tell me I take the blame for a lot of things, I do believe I have Stockholm Syndrome, but if you were me you would understand. I didn't know how to ever say no, and I instigated some things that happened, but I was just a kid, I don't think I knew what was the difference between right or wrong. I didn't even know our age gap was wrong, I didn't know a thing about pedophilia, all I ever did was compare our ages in my head and only when he turned 18 I told him the truth. And I will always hate myself for that. What he did was wrong, but I want to take accoutability just like he did, so finally I can rest easy. I talk to him sometimes now, we've settled our differences like I've done with all of my abusers, but that thought will always rot in the back of my mind. I love people, but I'm scared of them, scared of the things that they can and already have done to me, but I hate being alone. I don't know what to do. I hope some day I'll meet the right group of people.. I already have though I believe. I just need to talk more. Connecting with people is the only way I can heal. My goal next year is to heal and be a better person, because there's still things I have done that I regret and still feel bad for doing. I'm mean and I'm cold and distant right now, so next year, I'm gonna be the best version of me I've ever been. I can't forget or forgive internally right away, so I'm going to talk to people again and I think that'll be what helps me. Writing this is motivating me to talk to people now, my friend wasn't lying when he said writing my thoughts down would help me instead of always bottling them up like I've done for years. Thank you. Other than that, today's the day I met one of my best friends, so I'm going to go talk to him and not ignore him. I don't do it because I don't like him, I kind of ignore everyone right now and I don't know why, but it's getting much better. I think I'm healing. Jesus loves you, Merry Christmas!

Don't leave me.